Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My Guy
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.