mood
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
how to have fun when you’re poor
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.