[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
How software testing works
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!