You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.