5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I forgot how to panic. Help
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.