*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7