DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call