Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
we’re gonna need another temp