Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!