just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy