Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring