What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation