*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
You Might Also Like
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay