I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
multitasking lunch
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*Seductively hides in the woods
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.