“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
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Pandas 🐼🖤
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
dads on road-trips be like
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.