People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?