10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
You Might Also Like
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better