Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.