cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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SPLOOT
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.