JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows