Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀