This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street