GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.