me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️