You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
For those that worship cheese..