if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?