I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.