just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
You Might Also Like
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all