People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child