Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
No. He’s not coming out to play
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry