It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
This could be us but you eatin’
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.