Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears