Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH