My beach vacation Google searches
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Strange
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations