ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.