I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The “baby” on the left….
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
it was a valiant fight
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty