I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.