me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.