[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Hero horse inspires millions
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids