The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
But is it really??
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!