Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Seductively sings in Klingon.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made