Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.