Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.