Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that