I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
good for her
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.