Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*