Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Flowers bee like
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?