my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
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cop: we鈥檙e investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don鈥檛 know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you鈥檙e on the phone speaking to someone else.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we鈥檇 just let it go to voicemail.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I鈥檒l forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I鈥檓 going.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i鈥檓 a pizza 馃檪
god: no that鈥檚-
earth: everybody loves pizza 馃榾
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here鈥檚 the thing
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Going back in time, y鈥檃ll need anything?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.