*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Awwwww shit.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.