Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
How do you like your Corgi?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.